Don't make out with my wife yet
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
