I will die if light touches me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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