Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I need a burrito and a hug.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
