You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
