Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
