god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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