I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
