I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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