On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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