Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
