did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
