I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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