either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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