one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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