Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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