i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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