This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
