I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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