You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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