I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
