ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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