Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
