If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
