she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
