had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We need a shit load of segways right now
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
