In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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