After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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