Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
