She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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