I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
