well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
