I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
