when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
