He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
