I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
