You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
