I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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