Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
