You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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