So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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