Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
