He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
