someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
