Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
