OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
