Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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