when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
