I'm drive I can fine osifer
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
