I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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