I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
