thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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