You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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