I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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