so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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