i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
cat food counts as protein by the way
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You're like the curious george of whores
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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