He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
love makes seman taste better
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
