We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
